What women want.

What women want.

99% of Sex happens between the ears! Especially when it comes to what women want.

March is ’Women in History’ Month so I thought I’d talk about what women really want in bed. Not what you think we want. If you’re only interested because you want to get your end away – stop reading now! Women are not automatically aroused by your penis or your wallet!

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said ‘Well behaved women rarely make history’.

I hope to one day we will join the ranks of badly behaved. My role models include Oprah, who said on television that 200 orgasms a year can make you look 4 years younger. Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubenstein, both cosmetic moguls who were both multi millionaires before women had the vote. Besides that, they are alleged to have used vibrators in their health and beauty spas until 1936.

But what do women want in bed? Decent sex and fabulous orgasms for starters.

Every woman is different. What worked for your previous girlfriend may not work on your present one. Two reasons: Her body is different or your previous girlfriend lied. So if I ever hear you say ‘But my previous girlfriend liked it’, I will feed you human flesh – because Hannibal Lecter enjoyed it!

And if you come from the ilk that doesn’t care what she wants, let me remind you – Happy wife, happy life.

But here comes the kicker – not only are we all different, with different preferences, but just when you think you have our wants all nailed down, our bodies change and with it our sexual preferences.

One thing that doesn’t change is the need for mental foreplay. I’d say that it is even more important than physical foreplay. 99% of good sex happens between the ears.

You cannot shout at her over breakfast and then expect to get lucky when you get home to tweak her nipples. Speaking of nipples, they are NOT radio dials!

Much has been said about foreplay and its importance and still many don’t understand what it is, never mind how to do it.

So many of us are still stuck on teenage sex (quickly before mum walks in!) It is not – nipple , nipple, check if she’s ready. Yes we all enjoy a quickie now and then, but mostly we’ve moved on  and want a bit more.

I know I speak for many women here – can we please be touched, sensually, slowly, lovingly with adoration without you expecting an orgasm for yourself. We very seldom get touched without there being a sexual agenda and it’s exhausting. So please, every now and then let it be all about us.

So how do you go about doing this? I want to vomit when someone suggests you give her a massage! How bloody unimaginative, never mind that you have no massaging skill to speak of. What you need to do is long soft strokes all the way up the body.

Let’s start by identifying primary erogenous zones– genitals, breasts and nipples. These are considered prime real estate and are out of bounds until much, much later.

Next pick your timing. Just like you cannot really get into it when the Proteas need 20 runs off 15 balls, she is not going to get into it if Johnny is nagging for attention, groceries need to be unpacked and the dog needs to be fed! Help out is what I’m trying to say, it’s porn for women.

Start slow. Touch gently on places we rarely get touched, like the outside edge of the little finger. Avoid the Real Estate.

She will probably tense up immediately, expecting that now she has to give you an orgasm. Assure her that your penis is off limits. This play is all about her. Snuggle up to her, whisper how delicious she is. How much you love, desire and lust after her. Do this bit often, even if there isn’t time for a play session. Do it while she’s putting on her make-up, loading the dish washer , while you’re at work, then step back, go your own way and see what happens.

Shower together, wash her hair, write a message on her back – put your penis away.

If you want to be a better lover, pay attention. Listen to verbal and non verbal indicators. Encourage her to tell or better still show you what she wants. This will be really hard for her at first, and let me tell you why – we do not want to upset you!

We would rather put up with your awful technique than bruise your ego. So grow up and don’t take offense.

Thing that instantly turn us off: Poor Hygiene, this includes bad breath and vrot teeth, dirty nails and body odors. Being rushed. We don’t like it when you’re drunk or high. And guess what – we don’t like routine as much as you do.

We do enjoy the act of sex, but don’t always expect us to orgasm. You have not failed in your mission as a man. Size matters only if the only sex you’re having is penetration and we all go to the loo afterwards. Not to get rid of the proof of you but to ensure that we don’t get a bladder infection, common after vigorous sex.

You must look like you’re enjoying yourself. Look at us as if it is your soul purpose in life to adore her body and make her feel wonderful.

Sex is a team sport so you have to have a game plan and you have to talk about what’s working and what’s not. So talk and don’t take offense – laugh, it is play after all.

Please share this post with your friends or your enemies – I’m not fussy!

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