Tie me up, Tie me down, Baby!

Tie me up, Tie me down, Baby!

Tie me up, tie me down, Baby!

I often refer to something that stems from the BDSM community, especially the use of safe words and the level of communication used by the partners who participate in this lifestyle.

In the shop we have a section that has some of the goodies that could be used in this type of play. It is an extremely popular corner. The level of curiosity is high and I gladly explain the when and the how. They often realise that it is not so foreign after all. It is often a part of their vanilla play.

Vanilla sex is what you consider to be good old fashioned garden variety sex. We know now that this means different things to different people. The one thing we may all have in common is that after years in the same monogamous relationship we know what’s going to come next.

There is a level of comfort in knowing your partner’s every move but as I can attest to there are many, many of us that are just so bored!

Maybe it’s time to shake it up a bit and do something that will make you both smile a little more next week. If the thought of doing something different really exhausts you, it is definitely time for a change!

I want to explore some of the lessons and techniques we have learned from the BDSM community. Let’s set aside your preconceived idea that BDSM is all about whips and chains. Yes it can be about but I want us to explore the more  sensual side of BDSM play.

Planning a play requires a bit of work and as much as we’d like to be spontaneous, it never really is.

Chances are you have never talked about what you’d like to try. We’d rather have very average sex than admit to wanting something that will have our partner thinking you’re ‘kinky’.

To start the conversation download the Bondage Contract off my blog, www.blog.lolamontez.co.za , just type in Bondage Contract and it should take you to the page. It’s similar to the contract in 50 Shades of Grey and it talks about some sexual practises that haven’t even thought about.

If you are too shy to talk about what you are reading, print two copies and mark down what you think you’d like to explore, let your partner do the same and then swop. Chances are you’ll both learn something and remember to laugh.

I recommend talking through the contract. Google what you don’t understand, maybe watch a video that explains it. Who knows you may be so excited by the exercise that your sex life takes an upturn before the conversation is even over.

The community talks about hard and soft limits and I wish this discussion was a part of everyone’s sexual vocabulary.

A hard limit is something that is absolutely off limits. For example, You do not want to have or even try anal sex. It is completely off the table. That is your hard limit. Your partner may not like it but he has to respect it.

A soft limit is something that you are willing to try even though you may not be sure you are going to like it. This is where my favourite practise from the BDSM community comes from – Safe Words.

A safe word system can be used in every day life not just in sexual play. You can incorporate it into when you are having an argument and one of you is about to cross a line.

I suggest using the traffic light system.  Green indicates that you are completely relaxed and into it. Your partner can continue without fear that he is hurting or upsetting you.

Orange indicates that you are not completely comfortable with what is happening either physically or mentally. Your partner should proceed with caution, checking in to see if they can proceed and take the play intensity up or down.

Red is called when you want to stop. Not in a minute or two but rather IMMEDIATELY. If your partner is tied up, untie immediately. If you are using a vibrator, stop. Whatever you are doing it has to stop the same second as the safe word is called. If it doesn’t trust is broken and they will never participate in a play again, so respect the rules.

Just having the conversation about safe words and how to incorporate them into your sex life can make a difference and increase your intimacy and desire levels.

On Wednesday I will post instructions on how to plan a sensual play that may be a bit too risky to publish on main stream media so be sure to check it out on my blog referenced above.

For more information or comments you can email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

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