Talking dirty to me!
There is something about talking dirty that really gets many of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers, moans and an appropriate scream.
Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we have a neuro-chemical reaction. To be arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama would have taught you and still get a reaction.
I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point – now you have to start all over again.
Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we try?’ By your partner’s reaction you can gauge where they’re at.
So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head first.
One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks and best you wait for another day.
Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake, respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.
Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is: ‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’
Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it. ‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.
When you are ready you can start using works outside your comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground: Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.
You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’
Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other is being bossed around.
Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!
Usually your language will match your arousal level. The closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.
A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do try to remember.
Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.
- My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then
- Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!
- Same for – Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! – Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.
- You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you making us feel worse about a bodily function.
- Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’
- Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk unless he has that adult baby fetish.
At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or crossing a line you can never return from.
This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me firstname.lastname@example.org