Sexual Etiquette – and why manners maketh the Man

Sexual Etiquette – and why manners maketh the Man

Sexual Etiquette and why manners maketh the man!

You know the saying ‘Manners maketh the man’? I believe it to be true for every aspect of our life. I am particularly fussy about table manners (lick your knife and you die!) and let’s call it sexual etiquette.

My partner and I were discussing manner after a particularly traumatic restaurant experience and I started to wonder if sexual etiquette had changed through the years. We have sex a lot easier these days but do manners still apply? I asked him if he thought it would be appropriate to laugh during a first sexual experience. He replied by saying it was definitely okay to laugh but completely unacceptable to laugh and point!

So here is my list of manners that make up sexual etiquette.

Hygiene

Top of my list is hygiene. Be groomed, brush your teeth and wash your hands. If you are going to be stroking my bits, best your hands be clean and your nails trimmed. Have a shower if necessary and as a side note don’t think your partner’s shower is an invitation to join them. Chances are they want to do things that they don’t want you to see, like washing behind his testicles! If he invites you in – that’s a different thing.

Spitting

Don’t spit! NOT EVER! It’s rude. Rather be prepared and keep a bottle of lube in close proximity. I love the Pjur range which is available from Lola Montez. It never goes sticky!

Condoms

Always assume that condoms will be a requirement so make sure you are prepared. There is nothing worse than being all ready to go with no condoms. That is when you make really stupid and life threatening decisions. I think it is the man’s job to get rid of the condom afterward.

Ripping Clothes

Don’t rip clothes. I know it looks fantastically sexy in the movies but chances are that you wore your favourite outfit and now some idiot is going to tear it! Just no.

Interruptions

Answer your phone on the short strokes at your peril. Allowing interruptions is incredibly rude except if it’s the cat clawing your ass. Then by all means stop and eject the cat.

Surprises

Expect to be bitten if you push her head down to your groin and never penetrate the anus without a discussion and express permission.  ‘Oops sorry’, is not an appropriate response. The same goes for a surprise ejaculation. Give her a heads up, no pun intended. If she knows it’s about to happen she can make the necessary adjustments. Semen in your weave is just not sexy. Again ‘Oops sorry’, is just not appropriate.

Malfunction

If you’re a man, premature ejaculation or failure to get an erection is a glitch not the end of the world. Don’t make it her fault, laugh (don’t point) and move on to pleasuring her in other ways.

Communicate

Communicate. You cannot get what you want if you don’t ask. If she is not going to orgasm, don’t take it personally, it is not a challenge. It won’t matter how hard you pump all you are doing is making her want to stab you in the heart with a butter knife. Accept that it is not on the cards, ask her if there is anything else you can do to please her and if not, it is perfectly acceptable to have your own orgasm.

Noises

How much noise you make is an interesting one. It does largely depend on the circumstances. If parents are sleeping in the next room, screaming would be inappropriate. I like a bit of sound, I’m not in the Library and I like to measure where I am in the game. A blissful groan means you’re doing something right, a high pitched dolphin sound probably means you’re doing it wrong. I’m not mad about screamers that make the neighbours want to call the police.

I once spent the night in a hotel room where the couple next door were at it for hours. The headboard was banging against the wall but the sounds were encouraging. I felt like a cigarette by the time they were finished, although I would have preferred to get some sleep.

Afterwards

Most people like a bit of a cuddle afterwards so don’t reach for your phone and go onto social media. Don’t jump out of bed immediately and have a shower or wash yourself off. It makes the other party feel dirty in the worst way.

If your play was messy, it’s good manners to get her a towel. If she goes to the loo afterwards it’s usually to prevent herself from getting a urinary tract infection, so don’t be offended.

Fetish

Do not surprise your partner with your fetish. You’ll scare the life out of them if you whip out the latex, cuffs and ball gag. Have a discussion first.

Consent

Always get consent. Consent is a positive verbal affirmation. It is not an invitation to Netflix and Chill. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. When it’s withdrawn, stop immediately. To continue will constitute rape.

Sleep Over

Do not assume that you are spending the night and if you do, offer to make or pay for breakfast. Do not be offended or comment on morning breath and don’t fart.

Be Polite

Be polite. Jokes about floppy bits, love handles, hairy testicles etc are all inappropriate and may leave insecurities long after you are gone. So be gentle.

Socks

I’d love to hear what you can add to the list, email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za . One last thing to add to the list – Socks! Always take your socks off!

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