What makes your relationship happy?
What makes your relationship happy? Do you know? What makes you and your partner feel happy and content?
In today’s “ instant” society, too much emphasis is placed on the act of sex and too little on lovemaking. Making love should be a whole body experience, not just a genital one.
Relationships are not gymnastics.
Often I see women who are bending over backwards, walking on tiptoes ,and turning themselves inside out, to try to please their partner.
Your relationship should be comfortable like a pair of slippers that you slip into when your take your stilettos off! You should feel relaxed and secure with your partner and not feel the need to compete or be perfect.
This is true for the relationship as a whole but more especially for your sexual relationship.
Sexuality is an integral part of everyone’s personality. It’s full development depends on the satisfaction of basic human needs which include the desire for sexual contact, intimacy, emotional expression, pleasure, tenderness and love.
Often we only concentrate on the sexual “act” rather than looking at sexuality as part of our beings. We often feel pressure to perform both in and out of bed and that takes away the pleasure and puts enormous stress on the relationship.
Loving should be a long luxurious journey, not a dash to the finish line. Making love means loving each other’s entire bodies and exploring ways to enhance pleasure.
Intimacy encompasses emotional sharing and caring, not just sex. Tenderness and touch are important facets to the whole picture. So, how do we go about improving our relationship without adding to our stress?
(Re)Learn to touch, hug, hold hands and caress. Non sexual touch is pleasurable to give and to receive. Take it in turns to massage one another’s feet or hands while watching TV. Volunteer to scratch or tickle his back or get him to wash your hair.
Learn to tell each other what kind or touch your prefer. Have fun!
Use different textures to massage, try a feather duster or a piece of velvet.
Have an evening of massage using anything except hands! If this all leads to lovemaking, that is great, but remember to enjoy the whole journey.
What makes your relationship happy?
Communicate and share. Tell each other about your day, your hopes and dreams, your fears and fantasies. Spend time really listening to one another,ask questions and clarify your thoughts. Tell each other what makes you happy and content.
The watchword is quality, not quantity! Everyone thinks that everyone else is more sexually active than they are. Statistics from around the world, including South Africa, show that the average couple is having sex between 4-8 times per month.
You don’t need to compare yourselves to any others as long as you are happy with what you are doing.
Obviously, there are times when there will be a desire discrepancy between you and your partner. Talk about it and compromise.
(Re)Discover the romance. Send a sexy message to him during a meeting or have a “key word” that lets him know of your intentions.
I have patients who use the word “healthy” in all kind of contexts in company to alert the other to the fact that they are feeling horny and that they need to cut the evening short and go home.
Have fun, experiment with new positions, places and foreplay. Try dressing up or pretending this is a first date. Utilise whatever sex toys you are both comfortable with, or go shopping together for toys so there will be no surprises!
Above all, enjoy each other and the journey.
“Learning to Love” is a book by Dr Bernard Levinson, a South African Psychiatrist and Sex Therapist. It is the finest book that I have read on the whole spectrum of lovemaking. It is out of print but will be available as an ebook to download shortly.
Watch this space.