Puberty and Porn

Puberty and Porn

Puberty and Porn

Every year a parent comes to me in a state because they have caught their child watching porn!

In every instance the child swears blindly that it has only been once, and they wanted to know what the fuss was about. In every instance the parents are convinced this is true!

I’ve got news for you, watching porn is more endemic than the COVID Virus and its your sweet innocent baby and their friends at the heart of it. If that strikes fear into your ignorant parent heart – it should!

If your kid has access to a smart phone, they have access to porn and more besides.

My recent panicked parent was terrified at how eager his child was to get on with the business of being adult. This was not just about sex, but clubbing and drinking being closer to the top of the list! He also wanted to know how to put a stop to it once and for all.

The sad news is that you can’t but what you can do is prepare your child for what to expect from life and pray that you’ve done a good enough job teaching them right from wrong.

Porn is almost a right of passage.

In my day we stole our Dad’s Playboy Magazines and I could never quite understand why anyone would want to watch a blue movie! In my head I saw moving shades of blue and then I went to Swaziland to watch Emmanuel.

I recently posted a quote – by Jenny Lawson

‘Talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them have sex.

Having a talk about suicide doesn’t make them suicidal.

Having a talk about mental illness does not give them mental illness!

It DOES however give them tools to recognise things that might otherwise confuse or terrify them.

It may help them to recognise things in themselves or their friends.’

I remember when one of my boys asked me what porn was. We were in the car, where all the best conversations happen! My reply was that it was a movie or pictures of people having sex in many different ways. I further explained that just like movies like ‘Mission Impossible’, it had very little bearing on what real sex looks and feels like and sadly this is where people learn their lack of skill.

He then asked if he could watch some and I replied (knowing it had probably already happened) that I didn’t really think it was age appropriate and that I’d share my collection with him when he turned 16! I must add that every DVD I have is now an empty case with no one owning up to the disappearance of the disks.

Even now in my mature years I still meet men who think that porn is real. That men must stay hard for hours and women are ready at the ring of a doorbell. I saw a fabulous meme the other day that said,

‘Porn has given us an unreasonable expectation of the waiting time for a plumber!’

My eldest son scored a number of Hustler Magazines when he was about 13. They were discovered under his mattress when we were moving. I kept them and when we’d moved put them on a bookshelf in his bedroom and then waited for an opportunity to have a discussion. It didn’t take long. They disappeared off the bookshelf in about 6 seconds.

I asked where they were and he blushed and spluttered. I told him that if that was what he wanted to look at he should do so unashamedly and not hide it. Again I had the conversation that porn is not real and if you think it is then I can believe in the love at first sight of romance movies and novels.

The magazines reappeared on the shelf and for about two weeks everyone who visited was invited to view his collection. I have to admit, that I was so embarrassed and wanted to hide every time it happened, especially when our guest left the room shocked to the core! This was before I was in the sex industry and merely a lawyer!

Not long after this the magazines disappeared, and I was told that it was no longer fun. I probably ruined the experience by not making a big deal about it. Both boys survived and I think have very respectful relationships and haven’t become addicted to porn.

Your children are going to want to experiment and they need to know that you are their safe place. I keep harping on about how you can affect how they perceive sex and sexuality by how you react. Overreacting is not going to stop them from wanting to explore porn, it will probably make them want to do it more.

Do you even remember being a teenager and curious?

I’m sure you all have a porn experience and a parent reaction. Think about how different your view about sex and pornography would be if it had been handled differently?

This sex thing is all about open and honest communication and it begins the minute your child is born. It is never to early to answer questions honestly. Be the change and let’s normalise the discussion.

I’d love to hear your anecdotes – email me on info@lolamontez.co.za

 

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