Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!
At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.
There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm.
It’s worth pointing out that there are lots of great sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.
When we’re asked about not being able to orgasm, we start with asking the following questions:
· Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?
· Do you masturbate with any regularity?
· Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?
The first question is important because, particularly for women, many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission.
If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how. Not that one situation is more hopeful or hopeless than the other, they’re just different and the paths to orgasm may be different.
The masturbationquestion is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process a bit more difficult (though again, not impossible). But I would encourage you to get comfortable with your own body as this could be more than half your problem.
I recently attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.
If you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.
The next step in helping you identify the reason you can’t orgasm. The best way to do this is start to think of the different parts involved in orgasm and see where the problem may be starting.
- Is your libido in the toilet? If you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex this may be part of the reason you do not orgasm.
- Do you want to have sex (the desire part) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (the arousal part)?
- Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to have an orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?
Next, think about some of the more direct causes of not having an orgasm. Here is a list of some of the main reasons people have difficulty orgasm.
When Your Body Can’t Orgasm
Because orgasm is an event that involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory, the list goes on) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.
Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, or some medications, the indirect effects of chronic illness, some diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm so speak to your family doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.
The good news is that there are very few purely physical causes of orgasm that can’t be worked around.
When Your Mind Can’t Orgasm
Many definitions of orgasms describe orgasm as equal parts mental and physical experience. So it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.
In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax, focus, and concentrate enough to take in the pleasurable feelings. You may need some help from your fantasies for this one.
Health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult to orgasm. Aside from these health labels, if you’re feeling very stressed out, very down about yourself, or generally “off” it can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.
When Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm
It’s not uncommon for someone to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having and orgasm with a partner.
If you’re consistently able to have an orgasm when masturbating but never do with a partner, there may be one of few things getting in the way. The easiest one to fix is when the problem is one of sexual technique.
It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex with this particular partner.
While this isn’t necessarily the case, having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. This lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical abuse.
Lastly, if you are having orgasms on your own but can’t with a partner it may be related to pressure or anxiety you’re feeling during sex with your partner.
How Medication Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms
Many different medications can get in the way of you having an orgasm. Medication can impact orgasm either through direct effects on your body or indirectly by making you feel more tired, reducing your ability to concentrate, or negatively affecting your mood.
If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.
How Sexual Technique Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms
The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.
Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind.
Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.
How Society Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms
This may be one of most subtle influences on your ability to orgasm but it can still have a powerful effect. Here are just a few of the ways that society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm:
· Quality and amount of sex education you receive
· Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body
· Values and beliefs about sexual health and sexual pleasure
· Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender
The impact of being inundated by sex negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.
This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.
Tomorrow in Part 2, I’ll share some tips and techniques on how to get yourself to orgasm!