How do I know if I have had an orgasm?
During consultations over the past year and as a result of the emails I received from you as a result of this column, I have come up with a list of commonly asked questions and concerns. For the next couple of weeks I am going to address them. So here goes.
The first is related to orgasm and the concern is usually:
How do I know is I’ve had an orgasm?
My immediate flippant answer is usually well if you have to wonder then you haven’t, but that does not help the concerned party who genuinely wants an answer.
There is no one kind of orgasm and there is no one definition. My experience may be so different from yours that a third party eavesdropping on our conversation may wonder if we are talking about the same thing. So what we have to do is unpack the orgasm response.
There are several markers that you can look out for: The heart rate and blood pressure will increase; muscles in the body will start to tighten (that’s why the nipple gets hard); skin begins to flush; there is a sensation of muscle release, usually around the genital area (this can either be a spasm or far gentler sensation); and finally a feeling of relaxation.
You may experience all these markers or a combination. You may experience all of them except the muscle release which many of us refer to as the tipping point and then wonder what all the fuss was about and feel that orgasm has not been achieved.
The biggest concern should rather be whether during the play you experienced pleasure. You may be holding back on the tipping point for a variety of different reasons and that you can work on, but you really should start by simply enjoying the sensations that should be filling your body. Sex should be pleasurable.
If you are holding back and feel that you have not or cannot orgasm, help is at hand. I have numerous exercises you can try. Try not to chase the orgasm, rather concentrate on experiencing pleasure and how the body and mind responds to different touch. If you immerse yourself in the enjoyment you never know what will happen.